Perspective and Patience

Which of the two statements would you agree with:

• Being “on time” means to arrive at least 15 minutes before an event begins.
• Being “on time” means to arrive approximately 10 minutes after an event begins.

Guess what the difference in perspective means?  Conflict!  Often times, couples allow a conflict over perspective to begin to infiltrate their relationship until a seemingly simple disagreement over time management becomes grounds for divorce.  Sounds ridiculous, huh?  Believe us, it isn’t!

I Corinthians 13:4 says, “Love is patient and kind” and Ephesians 4:2 says, “Always be humble and gentle.  Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.”

If you feel the heat rising over those “little irritations” such as time management, toilet seats, clutter (and the list goes on), why not try these practical suggestions!

1. Apologize when you’ve been impatient.  Acknowledge your impatience and ask your spouse for forgiveness.
2. Find a method to break the pattern of reacting versus responding.  Count to 100 or take a walk around the block.
3. Change your tone.  Are you a “yeller”?  Practice responding quietly.
4. Remember, being impatient won’t change the situation.  
5. Focus on the solution and not the problem!  You have a choice – lash out or ask questions, listen and seek to understand.  Collaborate (not compromise) to find a solution that works for both of you.

Sounds pretty easy, but in practice, research shows it takes 21 times for anything to become a habit!  What are some ways you’ve found work in your marriage to practice perspective and patience?

Keepin’ it Real,

Ken and Pam

The Story of Us

As I (Ken) met with a man this morning, we talked about how much easier it is to proclaim our love for the Lord than it is to actually live it out.  I believe there is an even greater disparity between proclaiming our love for our spouse and actually trying to live that out.

Loving our spouse, like loving God, requires consistent, practical behavior, but unlike God, our spouse doesn’t always deserved to be loved,  In fact, sometimes the exact opposite is true and loving our spouse is the last thing we feel like doing. 

God never cops an attitude, talks back, nags or shuts Himself off from the relationship.  He never ignores us, never infuriates us and never, ever acts like He simply doesn’t care.  Our spouses do all of those, sometimes even unapologetically.

What’s funny is that some of you will read this and respond, “You’re right, my spouse does do all those things,” not realizing I was actually talking about you.

That’s what makes marriage so completely humbling, frustrating and exhilarating, all at the same time.  Each one of our marriages is like a drama or novel, all wrapped into one.  Each marriage is a story, complete with an introduction, characters, a plot, a conflict and hopefully a resolution that produces a happy ending.  The reality is that the only way we’ll know how it ends is if we finish the story.

The theme for this year’s Church at Rancho Bernardo Marriage Retreat is “The Story of Us” because each one of our marriages is a story.  We invite you to join us July 6-8 at the Westin Mission Hills Resort in Rancho Mirage, CA.  (This isn’t exclusive to CRB members but to anyone!)  If you’d like to attend, you can register online at www.thechurchatrb.org. We hope to see you there as we work together to enhance, revise or even rewrite your story!

Keepin’ It Real,

Ken and Pam

Love of Another Kind…A Life Lesson

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind, but as I sit in the airport waiting for my connection back to San Diego, I am grateful for the moments that will be etched in my heart forever.

Our son, Steve, will be married 5 years in August.  In July, if everything goes according to plan, he and Amanda will be welcoming Jericho James “JJ” into the world!  With a new baby, you make changes!  So two weeks ago, Steve & Amanda moved into a duplex, with lots of boxes and projects for Ken and me, and for our daughter Brittany and boyfriend, Edrick.

Last week we drove up to Livermore and armed with lists, work clothes and tools, spent two full days helping to make their house a home.  It brought back of memories of 28 years ago when we were preparing to welcome Steve into the world. 

We were so in love, “mystified” by God’s miracle of new life, and clueless to the sleepless nights (both as infant and teenager) that lie ahead.  It was surreal and yet beautiful to watch the two of them, so appreciative of what God is giving them, and so fresh, ready for this new adventure.  Ahhh….young and in love!

That experience rolled into the last four days spent in Indiana with Ken’s and my parents.  We take turns every 3 months going home, checking on their health, “driving skills” – (right dad?), along with lots of reminiscing!  (The benefit of growing up next door to your in-laws is that you have a lifetime of memories to share!)

I had no idea what would be in store when I went to Mom and Dad Ingold’s.  Just over a month ago, we came close to losing mom.  But thanks to God and a great doctor, she is still with us and learning how to live with a tracheotomy hooked up to oxygen by day and full ventilator by night.   Dad has become a full-time caregiver (and much of what he does is generally reserved for medical professionals).

My in-laws are not old by any stretch of the imagination.  Both 72, they were avid travelers.  Dad still hand mows 12 acres, is Elder in his church, writes Sudoku puzzle books, bridge books, plays bridge AT LEAST once a week and is an avid Frisbee player (even designed and built a course in our county park). 

Currently mom can only leave the house up to 4 hours at a time on a portable oxygen tank.  Their lives have changed drastically!  Dad carries a cell phone (that is a miracle in itself) when working in the yard just in case something comes disconnected on mom’s equipment.  He has only left her for brief periods of time. 

I asked them to consider having a medical care giver come in to give him some relief.  His response – “It would take a long time for me to find someone I could trust to take as good of care of her as I would.”  Wow!  He adores her.  She adores him.  Married 54 years, I told them how much they inspire me.  I asked for the secret to making this new phase of life work so well.  What dad said was so profound and yet so simple if we really understand what it means to sacrificially love another.  “We empathize with what the other has to go through.  Mom feels bad that I have to constantly check monitors, tube connections and administer treatments every four hours.  I feel bad that she is in this situation.  She doesn’t want to be so limited.”

Viewing life from the other’s point of view.  Whether you’re young married starting your family excited about this stage of life, in the winter of life, or somewhere in-between, your marriage vows bring such blessing and hope no matter what you face.

Dad summed it up when mom was having a moment in the hospital wondering if it would’ve been better to opt out of the trach and enjoy the very limited time she would have had.  It would’ve prevented all of this stress for dad.  His response:  “There are two benefits to the trach, for without it you would have always had the ventilator mask over your mouth.  First, you would not have been able to talk or eat.  Not good.  Second, and more importantly, we can now, once again, kiss passionately!!”  Mom just shook her head and smiled.  Love of another kind!

What kind of sacrifice would you be willing to make for your mate?  As you think about it, remember that it requires “love of another kind!”

Keepin’ it Real!

Ken and Pam

 

The One Thing…

I (Pam) have been thinking a lot about sin this week.  Actual conversations have led me to the unfairness of our sinful world: the cancer diagnosis, the blood clot that won’t dissolve, the person who drives without a license or insurance but isn’t penalized after an accident and the marriage that’s in crisis because of a single error in judgment. 

Thinking about sin automatically takes me back to the origin of it – the Garden of Eden.  Genesis 3:2-6 says: 

“Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,” the woman replied. “It’s only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said, ‘You must not eat it or even touch it; if you do, you will die.’” “You won’t die!” the serpent replied to the woman. “God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil.” The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too.

Adam and Eve did the ONE thing God told them not to.  They ate the ONE fruit from the ONE tree and everything changed for mankind.  Until today.  Today is Good Friday – “good” for us but the ultimate “bad” for Jesus Christ.  Today restores what was lost so long ago in the garden.  Ken and I hiked up to the top of Battle Mountain this morning – to stand at the foot of the cross – and focus on the ONE thing that changed EVERYTHING for us!

Why do we hyperfocus on ONE negative thing about our spouse – the one personality trait we wish we could change, the one habit we wish they’d break, the one mistake made 15 years ago that we still hang over their head like it was yesterday – and let it blind us to all the good things ?!!

When we focus on the ONE situation or the ONE thing that displeases us, our mind  becomes dark.  Easter is about bringing LIGHT into the darkness!!  As you celebrate this most Holy weekend, make a choice to be intentional about loving your spouse unconditionally!   It’s the way Jesus loves you!  And while you’re at it, take a bite of a big red juicy apple!!  Really, go ahead…it’s ALLLLLLLL good!

“The Vow”

I (Pam) recently saw the movie, “The Vow” which retraces actual events from the 1990s, when Kim and Krickitt Carpenter met, fell in love and married. Just 10 weeks later, the couple survived a terrible car accident with Krickitt awakening in the hospital married to a stranger. The accident had claimed 18 months of her memories, including all recollection of Kim.  (And that is just the opening scene!)

I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around what that experience would be like.  Kim and Krickitt were newlyweds with the promise of a bright future together.  Think about it – 10 weeks – they may have just finished finding a home for all of the wedding gifts!  In one split second, their lives would be forever changed. 

Sounds like a made for Hollywood movie, right?  Add Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams and the result is a $40 million Valentines opening weekend!  Sitting in the theatre, watching the credits begin to roll, a picture of the Carpenter’s appeared on the screen and it was only then that I learned this “story” was based on their actual life events.  I couldn’t wait to get home and research the driving force that kept them both committed to “The Vow.”  I loved reading the words that it was the “commitment to their marriage vows and strong Christian faith” that allowed them to begin the long road back to a rebuilt relationship.  Krickitt’s recent memories were gone, but both CHOSE to trust God to help them fall in love again.  They “got” what the vow meant.  Kim writes:

“Krickitt and I feel very blessed that our story might give hope to others facing difficult circumstances, and inspire them to stick together for better or worse, in sickness and in health.”

We never know what is just around the corner in this journey called “life!”  We make a promise to love and honor…For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part.  Powerful words that are often forgotten in our day to day lives! 

Thinking of that, we’d like you to take some time as a couple and reflect on your marriage vows.  (If you have no idea what box they are in, review the traditional vows above.)   Are you keeping the promise?  Individualy list any areas you might need some improvement in showing love and honor.  As a couple, review the list and commit to making some adjustment.  AND THEN…CHOOSE…to “just do it!”

Send your comments with any “ah-ha’s or uh-oh’s!”

Keepin’ it real!

Ken and Pam

Gratitude Adjustment

Ken and I have always loved and remained committed to one another, but there have been times in our life when we simply didn’t like each other. A seemingly innocent comment misunderstood, subtle hints about “honey-do” projects, or a blatantly rude remark made the “dislike” button of our heart heat up and would at times even lead to an exchange of angry words.

Often when couples come for counsel, they have long been disconnected from one another without ever having sought to resolve what very likely began as a simple misunderstanding. By the time they sit across from us, already having concluded they are headed for divorce court, neither even remembers where the disconnect began.

Communication (or lack thereof) is one of the greatest causes of marital strife. Combined with unrealistic expectations, it is a recipe for disaster…we know, we’ve experienced it!

Perhaps it’s the wisdom that comes from a “maturing” marriage or the fact that we grew tired of being miserable, but we’ve found a way to appreciate the gift God has given us in each other through a daily “attitude of gratitude.”

Some call it “gratitude therapy”, but for us, it’s simply taking the time to be intentional – to remember the positive qualities we see in one another. Candidly, it’s choosing to focus on the good rather than the bad.

The next time your husband asks you why you never cook or your wife asks when you’re going to stop being married to the tv remote, try this:

1. Stop before you speak and PRAY, giving thanks to God for your spouse. Meditate on this verse…1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, “Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus!”

2. Ask yourself this question: “Am I putting to much emphasis on the negative?”

3. Look at your spouse and think of one thing (or 2 or 3) that you are grateful for about them. For example: Maybe your wife doesn’t cook, but she is a wonderful mother and faithfully invests her time in each of your children. Maybe your husband does watch tv for an hour or so after work, but he has a high stress job, is a wonderful provider, and makes time with you and the family a priority on the weekends.

This week we challenge each of you to make a list of 25 reasons you are thankful for your spouse. Then exchange lists (and keep a copy for yourself for the times you need your memory jogged)! You will be pleasantly surprised at how your attitutude will change – we guarantee you will experience a “gratitude adjustment”.

Keepin’ it real,

Ken and Pam

Why We Don’t Like Valentine’s Day…

Once again it’s February.  For some, the month of romance and love; for others, the month of pain and   disappointment - depending on if you’re in a relationship and the kind of relationship you’re in.

Statistics show that 180 million Valentine’s Day cards are purchased and exchanged annually – and 85% of them are bought by women.  Flowers?  73% are purchased by men; only 27% by women.  Chocolate and candy sales reach profits in excess of $1billion over Valentine’s Day.  And guys, watch out!  53% of women say they will dump their boyfriends if they don’t receive a Valentine’s gift!  Really? Isn’t that a little over the top…no Valentine’s gift, no relationship?  Perhaps the most disappointing statistic is that 15% of American men and women send flowers to themselves on Valentine’s Day!  Seriously????

Some blame the florists, card companies, and candy makers for creating all the hype, but it’s probably just the opposite that is true – they are simply capitalizing on our obesession with Valentine’s Day! 

Have you ever researched the origin of Valentine’s Day.  It has nothing to do with flowers or candy, but is about sacrifcial love.  The Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred. One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine’s actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.

Agape love – the kind of love Jesus has for us – does not mean that ONE DAY a year we scramble to buy candy, flowers, and a card that may or may not truly express the sentiments we have for another.  God’s defines love as ”daily” laying down our lives, sacrificing our wants and desires for the one we love.  Great love requires great sacrifice! 

Jacob is a great example of someone who gave up everything for love.  He worked seven years for Laban to take Rebecca as his wife, and what happened at the end of those seven years?  Laban tricked him and gave him Rebecca’s older sister, Leah, as his wife instead.  Did Jacob say, “oh well” and move on?  No! Genesis 29:20 says:

So Jacob worked seven years to pay for Rachel. But his love for her was so strong that it seemed to him but a few days. (NLT)

Now that is true love!  In total, Jacob worked 14 years to take Leah as his wife!  What would you be willing to do for 14 years to show your spouse the depth of the love you have for him/her?  

Please don’t misunderstand, we’re not going tocriticize you if you purchase a Valentine’s gift for your spouse, but we’d like you to consider this…what can you do that every day that shows God’s love for your spouse - love of another kind? 

Keepin’ it real…

Ken and Pam